I wrote this last spring and a lot of it still feels true. I think I may have some solutions or at least some ideas on how to make things a bit better.
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Sometimes I feel like a horrible mother. Sometimes I feel like a horrible person. This is one of those weeks and it is only Tuesday.
My kids are getting on my last and very frayed nerves. I love them both to death, but having both of them ignore EVERYTHING I ask of them is starting to get really old and is making me sound like a crazy woman. I hate being a mom who shouts. I hate being the mom that doesn’t want to stay after school to play because I know that it will end with at least one of the boys in tears. I hate running after Quinlan who has taken it upon himself to go running off after behaving for a few minutes and putting me off guard.
I wonder if I should try to get a job, but the thought of going back to teaching and dealing with other people’s kids makes my stomach hurt. I don’t think I will be much of a mom if I put Quinlan and Aidan in daycare and go take care of other people’s kids. I can imagine coming home and not wanting them to be anywhere near me. I am not even sure I want to get any other type of job and right now I feel like failure.
I feel guilty that Anthony works so hard and pays all our bills. I feel guilty and feel that if I could have gone back to work after Aidan was born, we might have more money toward a down payment on a dwelling of some kind. I feel guilty for wanting to go to a conference in the fall in Toronto, because it will be so expensive to do.
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As it turns out I did not go to Toronto to Blissdom Canada this fall. When we went on our trip and then had to fix the front end of the car all thoughts of getting to the conference were out of the question. The trip this summer was fantastic and we all enjoyed ourselves immensely, but it also was quite expensive so Blissdom was really dead when the car went.
This fall has been both better and worse in terms of the boys’ behaviour. They both have activities that they really enjoy and I do have things that I can take away if I need to, but it is hard to be a bad cop all the time. Quinlan is the very epitome of a three year old right now. I think his frustrating behaviour is made worse by the fact that he is trying so hard to be more like his brother. Quinlan wants to be as independent as Aidan is and he finds it frustrating not to be able to do things as well. This frustration leads to all kinds of misbehaviour and screaming. So far my solutions haven’t been working out too well, but I have hope that this is a phase that will get better. I am trying to let go of some things so that Quinlan has more control over things that don’t really matter to me and he feel less likely to scream and throw a tantrum.
I am still wavering on the job front, I am certain that I do not want to go back to teaching at this time, especially with the strike and no childcare options for either Aidan or Quinlan. There is no way that a childcare provider would bring Aidan and Quinlan to school, preschool, swimming, piano and ballet. As guilty as I feel about not working, I also feel like I am a big part of what makes our family work. I now need to take my spare time and work on getting paid for my writing. I am going to apply for a blogging grant. I am going to pitch articles to places like Vancouver Mom (I have at least two good ideas for here,) and Everything Mom. To make my freelance writing career a reality I am partnering with a friend to push myself.
The frustrating part of all this is that I still feel like a horrible mother, friend and wife. I am shouty, short tempered and my house is nowhere near as clean and uncluttered as I might like. It would be nice to not feel guilty about staying home and taking care of the kids. I think I might feel less guilty if I actually wanted to go back to work as a teacher. I still do not want to go back to trying to get on a teacher on call list. I don’t want to get calls at 5:30 am or the evening before so I can go to a class where the kids may or may not actually want to be there. I don’t want to have to learn names in a few minutes so they don’t take total advantage. I do not want to go back to work. Since I don’t want to go back to work I really should be able to keep the house better and keep ahead of meals and the like. So yes I still feel like a horrible person. I guess it is just something I still need to work on.