An Ugly Day

Today I had what I call an ugly day.  Not a day in which other people are ugly to me, not a day where my surroundings are ugly, but a day where I feel ugly.

I try really hard not to take myself too seriously, and I try to ignore my weight and just wear clothes that suit my body type.  Some times though I look at myself in the mirror, look at my hair with no style because I am growing it out, the spot(s) on my face, the redness of my cheeks, the puffy round face and I think my god that person is ugly.  Then I cry.

When I don’t worry about my weight and just eat normally I tend to lose between 10 to 15 pounds.  My clothes fall off at the waist and I start to care about whether or not I can go down another size. As soon as I start to care, take notice, my 10 to 15 pounds comes right back on.  Then I end up where I am now, with a wardrobe that spans two sizes and neither fit well. I start feeling like I can never aspire to be a fashionable person because everybody knows fat people can’t be fashionable.  Or well at least people with big busts and fat can’t be fashionable.

I look at some people and their blogs and tweets and while I think that it is fabulous that they are able to go down from their size 10 body, I must admit it makes me feel even worse about myself.  I know that that is not the intention of these tweets and blog posts at all.  They are just telling the author’s stories.  They are not making judgements about how I look.  They are talking about how they aren’t comfortable in the bodies they have now and how they want to change them.

I guess part of the reason I feel bad when I read these posts is that I would love to be the 165 pound girl that moved to BC 12 years ago.  How can I aspire to be a 165 pound girl and have it be enough?  It is ok to want to be a size 11?  Should I be aspiring to be a 120 pound girl?  Will it make me feel any better about myself or will I still have the same insecurities that come from having a large bust and a squishy stomach area?

Sigh.  I will just chalk this up to an ugly day and go on from there. I know my husband thinks I am attractive, and my boys love me for who I am.  That is a lot. Now I just need to fix my brain.

4 comments to An Ugly Day

  • Ally

    It is so funny – how we see ourselves and how others see us. I see your photo on Twitter and I wish I could be cool enough to rock ablue stripe in my hair. I too have a sqishy middle and milkyboobs that don’t look good in anything. I know I’ll get back my body one day. But most days I am impatient. I am trying to get more active. Not one of my favorite things in the world. I would be happy to sit and knit all day. Anyway, I think you are gorgeous!

  • Nana

    I watched Dr Phil for a while today. He had a panel of fat people who just want the right to not be discriminated against and a panel of people who are fighting against the fat of America. I felt so bad about myself that I had to turn it off and go for a walk. If we were allowed to feel good about ourselves, no matter what we looked like then I bet that we would all be much healthier. You are a beautiful young woman who is smart, kind, creative, loving and a wonderful mother, wife and daughter. You are active and healthy as well as beautiful so try to love yourself as much as your family, including me, does.

  • Gwen, I have these days all the time. I will never be a size 10 again in my life. I aspire to buy clothes in a normal store – not a plus-sized one. That’s it. End of aspiration. I’ve been told that I have a metabolic issue that means I will likely find it very difficult to lose weight (if at all). That was a depressing day.

    I try to move on from those feelings though. It can be hard to do.

    I hope today seems a little brighter.
    .-= Marilyn @ A Lot of Loves´s last blog ..Pfft: Wednesday of Few Words =-.

  • Me too marilyn…me too…I am too much of an emotional eater to get a grip on a diet…just horrifies me….so instead I too have ugly days and not so ugly days…and just put up with poochy bits and so on…and try to not notice or feel TOO much that everyone is SMALLER than me.
    .-= Crunchy´s last blog ..Nowhere to Hide =-.