Today I had what I call an ugly day. Not a day in which other people are ugly to me, not a day where my surroundings are ugly, but a day where I feel ugly.
I try really hard not to take myself too seriously, and I try to ignore my weight and just wear clothes that suit my body type. Some times though I look at myself in the mirror, look at my hair with no style because I am growing it out, the spot(s) on my face, the redness of my cheeks, the puffy round face and I think my god that person is ugly. Then I cry.
When I don’t worry about my weight and just eat normally I tend to lose between 10 to 15 pounds. My clothes fall off at the waist and I start to care about whether or not I can go down another size. As soon as I start to care, take notice, my 10 to 15 pounds comes right back on. Then I end up where I am now, with a wardrobe that spans two sizes and neither fit well. I start feeling like I can never aspire to be a fashionable person because everybody knows fat people can’t be fashionable. Or well at least people with big busts and fat can’t be fashionable.
I look at some people and their blogs and tweets and while I think that it is fabulous that they are able to go down from their size 10 body, I must admit it makes me feel even worse about myself. I know that that is not the intention of these tweets and blog posts at all. They are just telling the author’s stories. They are not making judgements about how I look. They are talking about how they aren’t comfortable in the bodies they have now and how they want to change them.
I guess part of the reason I feel bad when I read these posts is that I would love to be the 165 pound girl that moved to BC 12 years ago. How can I aspire to be a 165 pound girl and have it be enough? It is ok to want to be a size 11? Should I be aspiring to be a 120 pound girl? Will it make me feel any better about myself or will I still have the same insecurities that come from having a large bust and a squishy stomach area?
Sigh. I will just chalk this up to an ugly day and go on from there. I know my husband thinks I am attractive, and my boys love me for who I am. That is a lot. Now I just need to fix my brain.